okay Look

i needo t say this... how do tyou tell one of your best frionds that tou are loosing your mind. i wanto  help someone but she will not let me. i want ot take the hurt out of hwer eyes and i know she will not let me. i really needo t make her understand that dwelling on a guy will not make her happy but tryiong ot purgde him from your life completely can hurt mire then reme,bering him in the first place. i want ot make him disapper for her make her smile agina. it kills me that ih has been been so long sincei saw that smile,. and it hurts me. otknow thaot could be helping if she owuld just let me in. i wnat to stop feeling powerless and yet i crave it in a strange way. i hope that ihe rots b/c she is too good for all of this stress and i know it kills her but she would not let me kill him. God i hate this i just want all of this ot make sense to me... my break- up last march doesnlt seem ot compare but it is all i haveo t offer to her. I HATE HATE HATE HATE  THISi just wnait for us all tio be happy today and i think that for that ot happen i needot do sometihng drastic and i am not goign to kill anyone as muxh as i wnat ot. i just need ot make her see that she is worth so muc more and it will makw us both satop crying over all of this. FUCKFUCKFUCKDUCKDUCKDUKCUDKCUFKUCKUDILGWHOa;iudsg;k SZDGFAGHLSDKFGH ILRJVBLASDGHVL, IERGLSKDGIWRG74UGTDFSGVIBSDKBGIRUEBGSLDLIGWUBTRSGDFVILAS W ILGUWILGW.EDFHVWPEOGH RGTSDLKGJWTWTO2V509
that is what is looks like when you repectedly hit the keyborad on ,my computer until it stops hurting. i need ot stop thinking.

what is real?

how do i know that today will be any better? really i settle here only to be uprooted everytime it gets too clear that i might have found my spot here. i am not sure which person i am anymore. i am so many people at once i am a little shapwshifting bird who has her wings cliped. i suppose i will just stay as i am in hopes that some day a stranger will take pity on me and let me out of these chains. for on that day i wll know who and what i am b/c he will choose for me. doesn't that sound nice? no more having it choose? just being as i ma ment to. i will never have people laugh or judge me again and even if they try to i will just luagh, i will not care anymore because he will be there and nothing else will matter

A thought from 9/14

i wondersometimes of i'm living by killing who i am
it crosses my mind at least one time a day and i haveot wonder if there is not a reasion that i think this way.
iyt iis not so mich thati fear losing anything but i feel like who and what i am is not allowed here and this kinda bothers me
i na only hope thati at some point thait will open my eyes and find that thi has all been a bad dream and i am awake now and i have not changed
 i was happy with who andwhat i was until i got to this point and it worries me thait  feel this way
thisi not normel and thiat i why i bothersz m,e i hide behind things that i beleive in as a way ot distance my self from the others
 and that really never bothered me until i realized thairt a sick of hising and iwant soem one ot love me for me and that is alli ever really could ever ask for . i needo t find a way ot make suire thait stay as i wanrt ot o instead of disappering int oth nothing just becasie i have to to be accpeted and that worries me thait would ever thing that ii am as i persio nare not imporent and that others can make me change io who i am just ot make them happy

sometime i wonder if my brain just runs soooo fast thait canlt think
and i wondder if i really am losing my mind or just dying ot live

i thought about iot today, just dying and being gone buth en i realized that you wouyld hate me and that worried me more thet thought of you hating me forever thinking you could have saved me . and so i guess i coukld go the route of murder suicide and that worried nme more b.c i know i woul,d just crap out nad never be able ot go through with it and i could never ask that of you besides. plus there are others ot think about so i stay her sleeping in broad daylight sop so i do not havoe face wjhat i am.

so what is scarier dying or living?

Okay so let me explain this

i plan to use this as a safe space where i can kinda just breakdown and have other, if they choose to, read it. fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun. okay so yeahi ma fine i just needot do this from time ot time feel free to tell me i am crazy but i already know.i might put up  poems or recipies or jsut plain nonsense i cna;lt promise it will be everyday but it will be often enough.